Essence of Turkey

I have an inside edge on the latest scent for the holiday season, and I've decided to share it with all of you. Luckily, you don't even have to buy this scent...you can make it yourself. Here are the step-by-step instructions:

1. Roast a 15 pound turkey and remove from the oven. Let it rest for 15 minutes.
2. When your dad starts to carve it and the juices start running everywhere, use 1-2 kitchen towels to soak it up. Make sure the towels get good and saturated with turkey juice/particles.
3. Enjoy the dinner.
4. While cleaning up, do a load of laundry to wash said turkey juices/particles from the towels. So you don't waste water and energy, be sure to throw some of your clothes in with all the kitchen towels.
5. Remove load of laundry from washer and dry.
6. Smell the laundry. Does it smell like turkey? If no, then start from step 1 again. If yes, continue.
7. If the smell is slightly overwhelming, (especially on the clothes, like pajamas) and you don't desire to smell like turkey essence in your sleep, then wash the entire load again - this time including half a bottle of bleach.
8. Repeat step 5.
9. Does it still smell like turkey? If yes, will washing it AGAIN produce the same result? Probably. So...
10. Lay out all clothes and towels all over beds, counter tops, etc. and spray with a generous dose of Fabreze.
11. Ahhh...that's better. Now it smells like Fabreze and not like turkey essence. Fold clothes and towels and put away.
12. 4 or 5 days later, take out your white button up shirt and put it on to go to work. What's that smell? Two words....Turkey Essence.
13. Spray generously (again) with Fabreze, followed up by a spritzing of Downey Wrinkle Releaser...and just in case, put on a couple dabs of Clinique Happy.
14. Now you have achieved the ultimate scent: Turkey Essence Fabreze Downey Clinque Happy.
15. Try to avoid steps 1 - 14...TRUST ME!!